The best pieces of equipment for the holidaymakers are always small and have multiple uses. As I’m on holiday this week I thought I would pass on my recommendation for a useful travel aid that few people seem to know about. It is portable, versatile, mouldable, and edible—ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a round of applause for your friend and mine, the underappreciated BLOCK OF LARD.
It’s so unbelievably handy, and below you will find 33 ways lard, the king of saturated fat, can enhance and rescue your holiday…
- Lard can be used to grease car axels to keep you moving, or as an oil alternative if your transport runs dry.
- Grease kids and they can skim down those polythene slides people make on the grass at campsites, even when there’s no water because of the hosepipe ban.
- Lard makes a wonderful suntan lotion replacement. Simply add soil or soot if you need high-factor protection.
- Lard works as a cost-effective beauty product. For skin that shines like a glamour model’s in your beach photos, rub sparingly over your tan—now that honeyed-bronze look is all yours.
- Lard is an excellent long-lasting hair gel.
- Planning a special romantic evening out? For a glistening lip-gloss that will make him go weak at the knees, use lard!
- Superb for any walking holiday, lard is delicious a high energy food— eat it solid and raw, or boiled up with some local flora and fauna for a nutritious soup.
- Be the envy of all the other passengers on your flight. Lard is soft and makes an comfortable cushion or fashionable travel pillow. Use it this summer and you can be smug in the knowledge that you were one of the trendy ones, amongst the first to see its potential as a fashion accessory.
- Flatten out your block of lard and you have an instant padded shoe inner for your hiking boots—it cushions and soothes those cuts and blisters.
- To waterproof clothing rub lard into your shirts, cardigans and trousers. You won’t need to wear a raincoat.
- Are you a gun nut? Cannot decide whether to pack the Magnum .44 or your howitzer? Arguing with your friends about which ammunition is best? Lard works as a wonderful human flesh analogue. Now you can easily compare notes on ammunition penetration, bullet trajectory, and wound severity on your shooting holiday.
- Lard has a distinctive fragrance and delicate taste—use it as an oil replacement in a healthy salad garnish.
- Rub lard on torn strips of newspaper and it becomes an effective fly-paper to catch bugs. Because it’s sticky all you have to do is push against the ceiling and it will even stay up by itself.
- Jungle trekking? You need an anti-plant-bee-and-wasp-sting layer—a liberal coating of lard and you have organic armour.
- Exploring the arctic? Scared of the animals? Lard works as a brilliant decoy for rapant bull seals—they will chase the sexually exciting smell of the fatty lard while you run in the opposite direction. Lard also works on polar bears as it has an uncanny resemblance to whale blubber.
- Forgot your antiperspirant and deodorant? Lard blocks the sweat pores with a greasy layer, and the smell covers your own BO.
- Don’t want to carry a heavy travel iron? Starches your collars and cuffs; smooths dress, skirt, and trouser creases—lard does it all.
- It’s raining and the kids are bored? Don’t panic! Lard doubles as modelling clay and will keep them amused for hours.
- Going to an exclusive caravan, mobile home, or RV site? Embarrassed by the condition of your home on wheels and transportation? For that smug feeling, outshine your neighbours on the campsite with a little lard wax.
- It’s raining and you have a leaky tent and rucksack. You are desperate to send some loving messages to your family and friends at home on the back of some postcards, but your stamps are wet and won’t stick. Do not despair! Use lard as glue!
- You want to take the family pet away with you, but you know if they get bored they will munch on your families’ suitcases, shoes, and clothing until there’s nothing left but tiny pieces. There is no need to leave them at the cattery or kennel when lard can be their chew-toy.
- Dog owners of pedigree bitches everywhere dread holidaying when their dog is on heat—no one wants a litter of mongrels a few months later because some randy hound caught her scent while you weren’t watching. There is an easy solution. Covering her back with lard will make her un-mountable by the males who will simply slide off. It is also an humane solution and saves neutering.
- Missing the joy of a cooling snowball fight on your hot summer hols? Lard balls are the ideal substitute.
- Forgotten your toothpaste and toothbrush? Your teeth will still rot, but use a sharpened stick and some lard and at least they will look shiny.
- How can you avoid losing all those small essentials around the holiday cottage? You need a key, credit card and knick-knack holder—a block of lard is great for shoving those small things into and will hold them safely as long as the weather doesn’t get too hot.
- Do you like reading but are worried about water damage at the beach? Just smear lard over your Kindle or paperback (remember to cover every page).
- You’ve had a great time but you’re spent out and have no money for the last few days of your holiday. Do you have to go home early? Not if you have some lard! Need provisions and food from the local supermarket? Rub a patch on the floor liberally with lard. Remember where the patch is. Rob the supermarket. Run and dodge around the slippery patch. Store security will slide, fall, and in the chaos you can make a clean getaway. Also works on female pedestrians—when they fall, quickly and quietly walk away with their handbags.
- Lard makes an excellent solid fuel for a fire or BBQ. You don’t need to chop down that six hundred year old oak tree for firewood, or set granny alight.
- Want some eco-friendly bedding while you are away? Approximately fifty blocks of lard will make a waterproof loss-of-memory foam mattress. (Ten for a pillow).
- Lard makes an ideal coating for the bottom of skis and snowboards—guaranteed to make you go 10% faster.
- Iphone/Ipad/Smartphone protection—grease your kid’s hands and they will not be able to press the fiddly ‘On’ button while you aren’t looking and mess up all your settings, or spend £50 / $75 on Justin Beiber albums from ITunes.
- Luxury foods always have a high fat content. For that holiday treat, eat lard! You can still have a clear conscience, as it is cheaper per kilogram than ice cream or chocolate.
- Lost your main luggage? Did your winter thermals end up in Barbados while you are in Moscow in January? If you remembered to put enough in your hand luggage you can now wear the lard next to your skin, creating your own seal-like layer of blubber—hmmmm—still warm and toasty.
I hope that your holidays this year will be that little bit easier, more comfortable, and enjoyable—all because of the humble block of lard.
If you can think of any more (non-sexual) uses for lard, please feel free to comment below, or share your stories of how lard has improved your holiday. You can also leave a ‘normal’ comment if you wish…