Every so often a mere mortal mind is visited by an idea of such transcendent magnificence its origin can only be extra-spacial.
Let me present the World Premier of The Boob-in-ator™—the twenty first century’s latest and greatest must-have devices—and another reason why women think that men are boys who never grew up…
Geeks in the noughties started development of wearable technology: glow-stick necklaces evolved into t-shirts with built-in sound-level meters. Now, even my son has trainers with an on/off button and blue LEDs that flash when he walks. But these uses of technology have one thing in common: show. The missing factor is fun—and so The Boob-in-ator™ was born.
When a courageous lady wearing the device is hugged, two sensitive pressure plates trigger a pre-recorded sound file that plays from the hidden loudspeaker secured into the back of a garment. Hilarity ensues—this device will bring guaranteed smiles to the faces of any couple, and it’s a great ice-breaker at parties.
To enhance mutual excitement levels and prolong the novelty factor, optional light-paks and tremble-pads can be added. They are easily and discreetly attached to clothing with needle and thread, chewing gum, or a staple gun, or slipped inside elasticated underwear.
Romance is an important part of any long-term relationship, and the integrated Bluetooth™ receiver allows new sound files to be uploaded wirelessly to the device without the wearer knowing. Choose your MP3s with love and care and she will be putty in your hands.
With the included and easily-reached Womanual™ override button, marital harmony can be preserved if she is not feeling amorous. Pre-recorded phrases like: “Not tonight, I have a headache,” “Have you fixed the shower yet?” and, “It’s your turn to change the baby’s nappy,” recorded by a Samuel L. Jackson and Barry White sound-a-likes are guaranteed to dispel any pent-up sexual tension in a gentle and fun way: in depth psychological studies yet-to-be-paid for by the manufacturer show the Boob-in-ator can prolong the average relationship by five-to-ten minutes.
With endless laughs and unbridled hilarity just a few internet clicks away, how can you and your beloved afford to be without your very own Boob-in-ator™? All this can be yours for the bargain price of $666.66 (light-paks, tremble-pads, batteries, and sewing accessories extra. Wife—or other life-long personal adornment of your choice—not included).
The Male Chesticulator™ will be available in time for the Christmas rush. I recommend purchasing the Special Deluxe Gift Box, which includes festive season-themed duct tape and skin salve.
Have fun, and remember: use of The Boob-in-ator™ or The Chesticulator™ is not recommended while driving. The manufacturer will not be held responsible for relationship breakdown, ridicule endured, or sore nipples resulting from misuse of either device.
Please share your thoughts on how The Boob-in-ator™ could enrich your life, what your favourite sound effects might be, or anything else you feel like below…
(The Boob-in-ator™ is a trademark belonging to my wife, because she thought of the name before I did.)