THE WORD ON THE .NET

Writer T. James' Exploration of Words, on the Internet.

Category: Ephemera (page 1 of 2)

Any odds and ends that do not fit anywhere else. Quality is NOT guaranteed.

Taking Tea with Mr. Mole: A Nonsense Poem

There once was a vole, a fox, and a mole—daintily tippling tea from cups with filigree—down inside Mole’s burrow.

Said the fox to the mole, “If you are free, can I trouble you for some giblets or possibly steak riblets, to munch on with our tea? It would do much to lessen my sorrow.”

“My apologies dear Fox, for with meat I’m quite lost, but I do have a worm that will make your innards squirm?” said Mole, his voice touched with frost.

“No. I can’t be doing with all that wriggling and jiggling—my insides I don’t want grumbly. But some lovely intestine is really quite fetching and my digestion will not pay the cost.”

“So sorry, Mister Fox, for your cuisinal loss, may hap you will have to go hungry. Now Vole, a question, no, consider this suggestion: would you like some worm pie, garnished atop with toad’s eye?”

“Ah yes, Vole,” said Fox, “you’re a plump fellow, and despite wearing yellow, I think I’d like you for my tumbly.” And quick as a flash he stripped off Vole’s sash, and swallowed Vole whole with a sigh.

Mole’s mouth was agape as Fox reached for his cape. “M…M… Mister V…V…Vole!” he stammered, as his little heart hammered. “Fox, you’ve just eaten my dinner guest!”

“Mole, fear not, for Vole has ended my lack of a small, furry snack, and now I should be going. But I’ll return next Wednesday to this passable assembly—just invite someone else I can digest.”

—♥—

Taking Tea with Mr. Mole, a nonsense poem, copyright © T. James, March, 2013.

Image: ”Cup Of Tea With Cheesecake“, courtesy of  Marcus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Three Unlikely Members of the Elite Group Known as “Writers”

Today I am hosting three writers as part of Michael Brookes’ Elite: Dangerous author interview series for Frontier. Michael has kindly given me permission to use his interview questions for the sake of consistency, but when I told him who the three writers were and asked if he wanted to host their interviews on his blog he muttered something about, “… unprofessional,” and, “… inappropriate,” and, “… a nightmare for Frontier’s PR department.” Then he said, “No!” quite emphatically.

So, going boldly where no one has gone before, let me introduce my three guest writers who are competing for the Elite: Dangerous game’s writer’s pack to help it to reach its Kickstarter funding goal. Just click on their pictures for their bios:

Dee Pression

Dee Pression

May Nia

May Nia

Nic Histrion

Nic Histrion

1. Please introduce yourself, who are you and what do you do?

Dee Pression: I don’t know why you’re asking. Well you’re probably just trying to be nice, but no one’s going to care about me, so you don’t have to bother.

Nic Histrion: I am a writer—of science fiction of the most sublime kind. I will dazzle and amaze. You can ignore these other two. I’m all you’ll ever need.

May Nia:

IamawriterandIputwordstogetherbecauseIlovewritingWritingisthebestthingever!

Don’tyouthink?FreelyexpressingmyselfisutterjoyTherereallyisnothingbetterthanwriting—

 

2. When did you first start playing Elite and why did you come to love it so much?

Dee Pression: I started playing Elite after waiting for what seemed like forever for the game to load from cassette in the olden days: I was young, naïve, and full of hope.

Then I kept ramming the space stations during docking. When I did dock, the prices of my goods were always higher than I’d bought them for. Pirates kept attacking me, even when I only had two cargo canisters of food on board my ship. The graphics were terrible—just lines—and the sound, don’t get me started on the sound. I never loved it. I just didn’t have any friends so I played Elite.

Nic Histrion: Played? I never played! I lived it and through me Élite lived. It and I were lovers. It seduced me with its graphics, and in return I pleasured it with caresses from my fingers.

May Nia:

Istartedwhentheybroughtoutthecolourfulversionbecauseyouknowcoloursmakemefeelhappy

andIlikethatalltheshipshaddifferentcoloursandtherewasthenoiseofthelasersandthatwasfun

andIlikedtoflynexttoplanetsandthesunsbecausetheyhadlotsofcoloursbutIlikethesunsbestbe

causetheywerethebrightestbutflyingthroughspacewasboringunlessyouwerejumpingorin

hyperspacebecausetheyhadpatternsandyouwentreallyfastandIlikegoingfastand—

 

3. Have you reached “Elite” status in game?

Dee Pression: I’ve never managed to achieve anything, so it was never worth trying. I was proud of reaching “mostly harmless”, even though it took me three years.

Nic Histrion: Reached Élite status? That implies I was anything less than the best. Élite is a state of mind, a state of being. Élite is everything I am, everything I do. And, Dahling, I mean everything. *winks*

May Nia:

NoInevermadeittoElitebecausetradingwassodullandIcouldn’twaittobuyabeamlasersoIbattled

everyonewithmypulselaserandthatwasfunbecauseitmadecoolnoisesbutthenIdidn’tlikeit

becauseitoverheatedandstoppedfiringquicklywhichgotboringandthenIgotshotandblownupby

theothershipsbutthenitwasfunagain’cosbitsofmyshipwouldflyaroundthescreenwithabig

“boom”noisebuthenitgotboringwaitingtoloadanothergameand—

 

4. What inspired you to start writing?

Dee Pression: Nothing inspires me. I just get so bored and writing is a little better than staring at the wall, or trying to cut my wrists, or taking those pills, or sitting in the car with the engine switched on. I can’t even get that right, they keep finding me.

Nic Histrion: What do you think? You tell me. There must be something about me you find fascinating—everybody does. How could I deprive the world of this? I was born to write, and the world was born to read me.

May Nia:

Forsomereasonpeopledon’thangaroundtolistentomeverymuchIdon’tknowwhybecauseItalk

fastsotheyshouldn’tgetboredbuttheydon’tseemtolikeitanywayandthentheyleavebutwhen

writingIcanputallmythoughtsonthepageandthenIcansharethemwithpeoplewhocanreadmy

bookattheirownslowspeedand—

 

5. You’re gathering funding to secure the writer’s pledge on the Elite: Dangerous Kickstarter – how’s that going? And where can people go to support your effort?

Dee Pression: It’s not, going I mean. Stopped. Dead as a dodo. Kapput. Crapped out. Defunct. Busted. It’s stalled a third of the way there. I don’t know why I even tried. It was bound to fail from the start. Me? Raise thousands online? Everyone’s laughing at me, and who can blame them?

Nic Histrion: I am hurt, wounded by the core, that it has taken more than a day to raise a few thousand pounds. I despair for the future of gaming, literature, and humankind in general. I mean, isn’t it obvious what they are missing out on if this doesn’t get funded?

May Nia:

It’sgoingreallywellIonlyhavetoraiseanother3200whichshouldbeeasyasIhaveafewdaystogo

andthingsalwaysworkoutforthebestdon’ttheyandIknoweveryonewilllovewhatIwriteandpeople

aresogenerousandlovegivingmoneyawayand—

 

6. Do you have a story idea if you’re successful with the pledge? Can you tell us anything about it?

Dee Pression: No, because I’m not going to be successful because nothing ever good happens to me, so what’s the point in thinking of a plot for a story that won’t get backed, won’t get written, and so will never be read? I’ll be penniless, unknown and unacknowledged until I die—I just know it.

Nic Histrion: Ah… You would love me to share all my most intimate secrets, wouldn’t you? Naughty! *winks again*

May Nia:

WhenIheardabouttheEliteKickstarterIstartedtowritestraightawayI’venotsleptsinceIfoundout

overaweekagoandbywritingthroughthenightIgetsloadsdoneandIammoreimaginativebecause

Iseestrangethingsandcoloursandsoundsthatotherpeoplesaytheycan’tseeandIreckonI’m

abouthalfwaythroughbecauseI’vedone400000wordsbutImaytryandwriteaseriesofbooks

beforemyKickstarterfinishesonthe23rdofDecemberandIthinkpeopleliketoreadseries

becausetheycangetmoreintothecharactersand—

 

7. Do you have any other writing that we can read?

Dee Pression: No. Writing is too much like hard work; in fact if I even think about writing I get a headache. I try to do as little as possible—everyone knows it just gives you arthritis, carpel tunnel syndrome, RSI, and migraines, not to mention psychosis and a loss of connection to reality. Who needs all that?!

Nic Histrion: I have worlds of words and a universe of beauty inside me, but I’m going to make you wait to read it, unless you’re nice to me… *raises a seductive eyebrow*

May Nia:

OhlotsandlotsandlotsandIknowyou’llloveitIthinkI’veprobablymanagedabout38novelsthisyear

andIreadreallyfastsoeditingiseasyIjustworrythatIwon’tfindapublisherthatcanprintbooksasfast

asIcanwritethemand—

 

8. What makes the Elite universe so interesting to write a story in?

Dee Pression: Interesting? It’s set in space isn’t it? Space is empty, except for balls of rock and fire, and some gas and dust floating around in it. I know it’s big, but does that make it interesting? Just sounds like there is more of it to bore you, really.

Nic Histrion: I will make the Élite universe interesting! My main character will, of course, be based on me. What could be more interesting than following my adventures? They’ll be so much scandal: the romance and betrayal of star-crossed lovers intertwining against the backdrop of a beautiful of my fashioning. What reader could wish for more?

May Nia:

It’shugeandbigandprettyanditsgotshinyshipsandbrightlasersandstarsthatareprettyandBIG

planetstolandonand—

 

9. Why do you think you can write a great Elite story?

Dee Pression: When I’ve saved enough money, I’ll hire a ghost writer who can do the hard work for me. They graft and I get my name on the cover. Nobody is buying books these days anyway, so I might not bother.

Nic Histrion: Are you trying to wound me? I’m a sensitive soul, so you have to treat me gently! I refuse to debase myself by baring my soul to doubters. If you cannot see my talent, then you are a doubter too. *pouts*

May Nia:

IwritereallylongstoriesandIthinkthosearebetterbecauseyoucansaymoreabouttheplotandthe

charactersandthethemesandaboutlifeandmypacingisexcellentbecauseit’ssofastpeople

won’tgetboredand—

 

10. Do you have anything else you’d like to share with us?

Nic Histrion: After your last question, no. Not until you apologise and make it up to me. You are going to apologise aren’t you? Because you know making it up to me will, well, you know it will be special, don’t you? *raises one eyebrow*

May Nia:

I’vegotlotstoshare!Icantellyouaboutmy38novelsandmyplansformyEliteseriesbecauseI’m

sureyou’dlovetoreadthemallandI’mgoingtosetupafanclubtomakeeveryoneashappyasme

and—

Dee Pression: What, like personal stuff so people can post it all over the internet and laugh at me behind my back? I don’t think so. I don’t like you, or your questions. Now leave me alone.

 ∞

After reading their responses, I think Michael may have been right… but if you want to help a writer who is more serious about their own Kickstarter-funded Elite: Dangerous book, then please click the link below:

Out of the Darkness, An Elite: Dangerous book, by T. James

Steve McHugh Subjects Me To His Quickfire Questioning In Order To Test My Worthiness.

I am humbled by Steve’s charity this week as he has deigned to interview me on his blog. There was no denying his masterful intellect, powerful personality, and unparalleled bravery – he’s about to have his third daughter and has no sons, as yet, for moral support.

I was subjected to insightful questions that probed my innermost being, and was found wanting. To restore my honour a geas has been placed upon me, and I must leave this humble blog for a little while until my quest is completeth.

Click here to show your support as Sir Steve, nobbly knight of the realm, protects his Lady at this bounteous time.

image

The Ultimate Holiday Accessory: 33 Uses For A Block Of Lard.

The best pieces of equipment for the holidaymakers are always small and have multiple uses. As I’m on holiday this week I thought I would pass on my recommendation for a useful travel aid that few people seem to know about. It is portable, versatile, mouldable, and edible—ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a round of applause for your friend and mine, the underappreciated BLOCK OF LARD. Continue reading

Lovely Blog Award (2)

This week, I am honoured to receive another Lovely Blog Award, from Marilyn Armstrong.

Last time I messed with the logo (the original is the pink one above). This time I’m bending the rules, just a little:

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Poem: Broken Feathers

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I Write Like: Stephen King, Douglas Adams, David Foster Wallace And, Rumour Has It, Vladimir Nabokov. What’s Your Writing Style—and what can it tell you?

This week I found a new toy—the I Write Like online writing analyser that apparently compares your writing style to those of famous authors. So I decided to experiment, to see what it could tell me about my style and maybe even a little about my strengths and weaknesses as a writer. The results were quite interesting (at least for me).

I thought it would be fun to cut-and-paste in pieces I’d written from different genres. Before we start, I thought I’d include the necessary reality-check and disclaimers: I’ve no idea about the algorithms they use under the hood, so I can’t comment on how accurate or thorough the analysis is. Also, the analyser doesn’t profess to assess the quality of the writing it looks at, so however much I would like to be able to claim my writing is as good as these authors, the analyser gives me no basis for believing that claim, however much I would like it to. Continue reading

Lucky Seven Meme: Tagged by Colin F. Barnes & Steve McHugh

Apparently, blog awards are now out of vogue and are to be replaced by Memes and references to the apocalyptically significant number seven. Already the literary world trembles as the tide of change in this new millennium sweeps aside previous conventions. At this rate someone will suggest that reading a book can be politely engaged in with without the obligatory Chinese tea and cake. I despair for the future of our Empire, and World Civilisation in general. Continue on, Dear Readers, to read a little of my new WiP, with links to another seven writer’s blogs. Continue reading

For Bea: Poetry From a Soliloquy (Hamlet’s)

After an over-long delay, during which Bea has been angelically patient and for which she has my gratitude, her prize winning poem is finally here. Bea has the dubious honour of being the latest subject of my Bard vs. Bard inspired poetry series. The last great poet to receive my unwanted attention was T. S. Elliot. Today I have turned toward that most prolific and esteemed of playwrights: William Shakespeare. I can present this to you only because of Bea‘s generous nature, and her tolerance for all that is bonkers. Read on, and be amazed… *cough*

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Are There Any Good Stories Left To Tell? All Is Doom and Gloom.

Image - open license from WikiCommons.

Now entering the final stages of editing my latest story I have been pondering the writer’s eternal question of, “What next?” What incredible, completely new, inspired, never-before-seen idea will seize hold of my inner essence and set me alight with a creative fire that burns brighter than for any work that has gone before?

Answer: Not a sausage.

So instead I am left pondering the meaning of my existence as a writer, and a human being.

The mood has been set by the subject matter of my last piece, depression, infidelity, cancer, and unemployment. In other words my character’s life sucks – which is entirely my fault. Guilt gnaws away the  last vestiges of my self-esteem. Logging onto my blog I find 145 spam messages awaiting me. This is the fruit that now bends the boughs of my creative tree. I therefore feel the need to issue dire warnings and pontifications on the future of writing, creativity, and society in general. You have been warned….
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