THE WORD ON THE .NET

Writer T. James' Exploration of Words, on the Internet.

Category: Comedy

Three Unlikely Members of the Elite Group Known as “Writers”

Today I am hosting three writers as part of Michael Brookes’ Elite: Dangerous author interview series for Frontier. Michael has kindly given me permission to use his interview questions for the sake of consistency, but when I told him who the three writers were and asked if he wanted to host their interviews on his blog he muttered something about, “… unprofessional,” and, “… inappropriate,” and, “… a nightmare for Frontier’s PR department.” Then he said, “No!” quite emphatically.

So, going boldly where no one has gone before, let me introduce my three guest writers who are competing for the Elite: Dangerous game’s writer’s pack to help it to reach its Kickstarter funding goal. Just click on their pictures for their bios:

Dee Pression

Dee Pression

May Nia

May Nia

Nic Histrion

Nic Histrion

1. Please introduce yourself, who are you and what do you do?

Dee Pression: I don’t know why you’re asking. Well you’re probably just trying to be nice, but no one’s going to care about me, so you don’t have to bother.

Nic Histrion: I am a writer—of science fiction of the most sublime kind. I will dazzle and amaze. You can ignore these other two. I’m all you’ll ever need.

May Nia:

IamawriterandIputwordstogetherbecauseIlovewritingWritingisthebestthingever!

Don’tyouthink?FreelyexpressingmyselfisutterjoyTherereallyisnothingbetterthanwriting—

 

2. When did you first start playing Elite and why did you come to love it so much?

Dee Pression: I started playing Elite after waiting for what seemed like forever for the game to load from cassette in the olden days: I was young, naïve, and full of hope.

Then I kept ramming the space stations during docking. When I did dock, the prices of my goods were always higher than I’d bought them for. Pirates kept attacking me, even when I only had two cargo canisters of food on board my ship. The graphics were terrible—just lines—and the sound, don’t get me started on the sound. I never loved it. I just didn’t have any friends so I played Elite.

Nic Histrion: Played? I never played! I lived it and through me Élite lived. It and I were lovers. It seduced me with its graphics, and in return I pleasured it with caresses from my fingers.

May Nia:

Istartedwhentheybroughtoutthecolourfulversionbecauseyouknowcoloursmakemefeelhappy

andIlikethatalltheshipshaddifferentcoloursandtherewasthenoiseofthelasersandthatwasfun

andIlikedtoflynexttoplanetsandthesunsbecausetheyhadlotsofcoloursbutIlikethesunsbestbe

causetheywerethebrightestbutflyingthroughspacewasboringunlessyouwerejumpingorin

hyperspacebecausetheyhadpatternsandyouwentreallyfastandIlikegoingfastand—

 

3. Have you reached “Elite” status in game?

Dee Pression: I’ve never managed to achieve anything, so it was never worth trying. I was proud of reaching “mostly harmless”, even though it took me three years.

Nic Histrion: Reached Élite status? That implies I was anything less than the best. Élite is a state of mind, a state of being. Élite is everything I am, everything I do. And, Dahling, I mean everything. *winks*

May Nia:

NoInevermadeittoElitebecausetradingwassodullandIcouldn’twaittobuyabeamlasersoIbattled

everyonewithmypulselaserandthatwasfunbecauseitmadecoolnoisesbutthenIdidn’tlikeit

becauseitoverheatedandstoppedfiringquicklywhichgotboringandthenIgotshotandblownupby

theothershipsbutthenitwasfunagain’cosbitsofmyshipwouldflyaroundthescreenwithabig

“boom”noisebuthenitgotboringwaitingtoloadanothergameand—

 

4. What inspired you to start writing?

Dee Pression: Nothing inspires me. I just get so bored and writing is a little better than staring at the wall, or trying to cut my wrists, or taking those pills, or sitting in the car with the engine switched on. I can’t even get that right, they keep finding me.

Nic Histrion: What do you think? You tell me. There must be something about me you find fascinating—everybody does. How could I deprive the world of this? I was born to write, and the world was born to read me.

May Nia:

Forsomereasonpeopledon’thangaroundtolistentomeverymuchIdon’tknowwhybecauseItalk

fastsotheyshouldn’tgetboredbuttheydon’tseemtolikeitanywayandthentheyleavebutwhen

writingIcanputallmythoughtsonthepageandthenIcansharethemwithpeoplewhocanreadmy

bookattheirownslowspeedand—

 

5. You’re gathering funding to secure the writer’s pledge on the Elite: Dangerous Kickstarter – how’s that going? And where can people go to support your effort?

Dee Pression: It’s not, going I mean. Stopped. Dead as a dodo. Kapput. Crapped out. Defunct. Busted. It’s stalled a third of the way there. I don’t know why I even tried. It was bound to fail from the start. Me? Raise thousands online? Everyone’s laughing at me, and who can blame them?

Nic Histrion: I am hurt, wounded by the core, that it has taken more than a day to raise a few thousand pounds. I despair for the future of gaming, literature, and humankind in general. I mean, isn’t it obvious what they are missing out on if this doesn’t get funded?

May Nia:

It’sgoingreallywellIonlyhavetoraiseanother3200whichshouldbeeasyasIhaveafewdaystogo

andthingsalwaysworkoutforthebestdon’ttheyandIknoweveryonewilllovewhatIwriteandpeople

aresogenerousandlovegivingmoneyawayand—

 

6. Do you have a story idea if you’re successful with the pledge? Can you tell us anything about it?

Dee Pression: No, because I’m not going to be successful because nothing ever good happens to me, so what’s the point in thinking of a plot for a story that won’t get backed, won’t get written, and so will never be read? I’ll be penniless, unknown and unacknowledged until I die—I just know it.

Nic Histrion: Ah… You would love me to share all my most intimate secrets, wouldn’t you? Naughty! *winks again*

May Nia:

WhenIheardabouttheEliteKickstarterIstartedtowritestraightawayI’venotsleptsinceIfoundout

overaweekagoandbywritingthroughthenightIgetsloadsdoneandIammoreimaginativebecause

Iseestrangethingsandcoloursandsoundsthatotherpeoplesaytheycan’tseeandIreckonI’m

abouthalfwaythroughbecauseI’vedone400000wordsbutImaytryandwriteaseriesofbooks

beforemyKickstarterfinishesonthe23rdofDecemberandIthinkpeopleliketoreadseries

becausetheycangetmoreintothecharactersand—

 

7. Do you have any other writing that we can read?

Dee Pression: No. Writing is too much like hard work; in fact if I even think about writing I get a headache. I try to do as little as possible—everyone knows it just gives you arthritis, carpel tunnel syndrome, RSI, and migraines, not to mention psychosis and a loss of connection to reality. Who needs all that?!

Nic Histrion: I have worlds of words and a universe of beauty inside me, but I’m going to make you wait to read it, unless you’re nice to me… *raises a seductive eyebrow*

May Nia:

OhlotsandlotsandlotsandIknowyou’llloveitIthinkI’veprobablymanagedabout38novelsthisyear

andIreadreallyfastsoeditingiseasyIjustworrythatIwon’tfindapublisherthatcanprintbooksasfast

asIcanwritethemand—

 

8. What makes the Elite universe so interesting to write a story in?

Dee Pression: Interesting? It’s set in space isn’t it? Space is empty, except for balls of rock and fire, and some gas and dust floating around in it. I know it’s big, but does that make it interesting? Just sounds like there is more of it to bore you, really.

Nic Histrion: I will make the Élite universe interesting! My main character will, of course, be based on me. What could be more interesting than following my adventures? They’ll be so much scandal: the romance and betrayal of star-crossed lovers intertwining against the backdrop of a beautiful of my fashioning. What reader could wish for more?

May Nia:

It’shugeandbigandprettyanditsgotshinyshipsandbrightlasersandstarsthatareprettyandBIG

planetstolandonand—

 

9. Why do you think you can write a great Elite story?

Dee Pression: When I’ve saved enough money, I’ll hire a ghost writer who can do the hard work for me. They graft and I get my name on the cover. Nobody is buying books these days anyway, so I might not bother.

Nic Histrion: Are you trying to wound me? I’m a sensitive soul, so you have to treat me gently! I refuse to debase myself by baring my soul to doubters. If you cannot see my talent, then you are a doubter too. *pouts*

May Nia:

IwritereallylongstoriesandIthinkthosearebetterbecauseyoucansaymoreabouttheplotandthe

charactersandthethemesandaboutlifeandmypacingisexcellentbecauseit’ssofastpeople

won’tgetboredand—

 

10. Do you have anything else you’d like to share with us?

Nic Histrion: After your last question, no. Not until you apologise and make it up to me. You are going to apologise aren’t you? Because you know making it up to me will, well, you know it will be special, don’t you? *raises one eyebrow*

May Nia:

I’vegotlotstoshare!Icantellyouaboutmy38novelsandmyplansformyEliteseriesbecauseI’m

sureyou’dlovetoreadthemallandI’mgoingtosetupafanclubtomakeeveryoneashappyasme

and—

Dee Pression: What, like personal stuff so people can post it all over the internet and laugh at me behind my back? I don’t think so. I don’t like you, or your questions. Now leave me alone.

 ∞

After reading their responses, I think Michael may have been right… but if you want to help a writer who is more serious about their own Kickstarter-funded Elite: Dangerous book, then please click the link below:

Out of the Darkness, An Elite: Dangerous book, by T. James

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Let me present the World Premier of The Boob-in-ator™—the twenty first century’s latest and greatest must-have devices—and another reason why women think that men are boys who never grew up…

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