The Boob-in-ator (TM): Why Women Think That Men Are Boys Who Never Grew Up
27 Saturday Oct 2012
Written by T. James in Article, Comedy, Non-Fiction
Tags
bluetooth, Boob-in-ator, boobies, Boobinator, boobs, boys, bra, breast, breasts, Chesticulator, clothes, clothing, device, idea, knickers, men, remote control, silly comedy, tech, technology, The Boobinator, wearable, woman
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Every so often a mere mortal mind is visited by an idea of such transcendent magnificence its origin can only be extra-spacial.
Let me present the World Premier of The Boob-in-ator™—the twenty first century’s latest and greatest must-have devices—and another reason why women think that men are boys who never grew up…
Geeks in the noughties started development of wearable technology: glow-stick necklaces evolved into t-shirts with built-in sound-level meters. Now, even my son has trainers with an on/off button and blue LEDs that flash when he walks. But these uses of technology have one thing in common: show. The missing factor is fun—and so The Boob-in-ator™ was born.
When a courageous lady wearing the device is hugged, two sensitive pressure plates trigger a pre-recorded sound file that plays from the hidden loudspeaker secured into the back of a garment. Hilarity ensues—this device will bring guaranteed smiles to the faces of any couple, and it’s a great ice-breaker at parties.
To enhance mutual excitement levels and prolong the novelty factor, optional light-paks and tremble-pads can be added. They are easily and discreetly attached to clothing with needle and thread, chewing gum, or a staple gun, or slipped inside elasticated underwear.
Romance is an important part of any long-term relationship, and the integrated Bluetooth™ receiver allows new sound files to be uploaded wirelessly to the device without the wearer knowing. Choose your MP3s with love and care and she will be putty in your hands.
With the included and easily-reached Womanual™ override button, marital harmony can be preserved if she is not feeling amorous. Pre-recorded phrases like: “Not tonight, I have a headache,” “Have you fixed the shower yet?” and, “It’s your turn to change the baby’s nappy,” recorded by a Samuel L. Jackson and Barry White sound-a-likes are guaranteed to dispel any pent-up sexual tension in a gentle and fun way: in depth psychological studies yet-to-be-paid for by the manufacturer show the Boob-in-ator can prolong the average relationship by five-to-ten minutes.
With endless laughs and unbridled hilarity just a few internet clicks away, how can you and your beloved afford to be without your very own Boob-in-ator™? All this can be yours for the bargain price of $666.66 (light-paks, tremble-pads, batteries, and sewing accessories extra. Wife—or other life-long personal adornment of your choice—not included).
The Male Chesticulator™ will be available in time for the Christmas rush. I recommend purchasing the Special Deluxe Gift Box, which includes festive season-themed duct tape and skin salve.
Have fun, and remember: use of The Boob-in-ator™ or The Chesticulator™ is not recommended while driving. The manufacturer will not be held responsible for relationship breakdown, ridicule endured, or sore nipples resulting from misuse of either device.
Please share your thoughts on how The Boob-in-ator™ could enrich your life, what your favourite sound effects might be, or anything else you feel like below…
(The Boob-in-ator™ is a trademark belonging to my wife, because she thought of the name before I did.)
15 comments
October 27, 2012 at 11:21 pm
LOL I want one.
I love the stick girl with the Beyonce Bum and boobs. :P
October 28, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Hi Bryden – the tremble-pads are guaranteed to shake the booty of even the fullest-figured woman. I’m sure when Beyonce hears about The Boob-in-ator she will desire one desperately and it will transform her life she will offer a lucrative celebrity sponsorship for free… As I have you to thank – when this happens – I will cut you in for a generous percentage. Prepare for untold riches and oodles of cash!
October 29, 2012 at 12:54 am
This is what you’ve been doing with your time? TJ…um…really?
hehehe
October 29, 2012 at 1:01 am
Well, not all my time, obviously, but it’s important to allow your creativity free reign every now and again… This one will make me rich, I just know it!
November 2, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Not quite sure how well they would work to be honest. I do hide a fart machine near my Dad when he turns up and push the buttons when anyone goes near. Makes me laugh.
Other than that, I’ve been working on my designs for the Apocalypse Lawn mower, after all, think of the business you’d get, everyone would want a clear view from their houses to see what they faced and who shouldn’t profit from that?
November 3, 2012 at 2:03 am
Haha! Fart machine, eh?
As for the Apocalypse Lawnmower, as soon as you mentioned that, I immediately thought of Peter Jackson before he became famous with the “Lord of the Rings” movies.
I haven’t seen his early horror/satire movie “Brain Dead / Dead Alive,” but its own lawnmower scene is pretty infamous (NSFW due to ridiculous amounts of blood and flying zombie parts):
November 3, 2012 at 11:28 am
I wondered if I had heard of the first edition of the Apocalypse Lawnmower somewhere before. It seems that humanity would need both Peter Jackson’s and Gareth’s Lawnmowers in the event of a zombie apocalypse: Peter’s to eradicate the infestation
and Gareth’s so the world’s curtain-twitchers could watch the show from their windows. 
November 3, 2012 at 11:19 am
You’re not sure if they would work!?! Right, you’ve just nominated yourself as my first beta-tester! I’ll send you some in the post, and I expect a full review, and a written apology, on my desk by next Thursday.
The fart machine is one of the classics and is difficult to beat. My son, age five, has already started, although he uses a low-tech whoopee cushion. I have to pretend not to see it when I sit down. It is funny though, especially his reaction. He also has a farting toilet – slime inside a small plastic model toilet that when squeezed makes gooey biological noises. I don’t where he gets his humour from, but it certainly isn’t me…
Your Apocalypse Lawn mower sounds dangerously like a Doomsday device. In a effort to better mankind’s lot you create this ‘thing’, and instead it goes haywire and causes the very apocalypse you hope to alleviate. I hope you can live with yourself if you ever build this thing…
November 3, 2012 at 11:05 am
Its an absolute classic, you’ll also see the Warrior Priest in it, “I Kick Ass for the Lord.”
You really do have to see it.
November 4, 2012 at 9:59 pm
I love it! I was giggling the whole way through.
November 5, 2012 at 9:46 am
Thanks, Danni. That was the plan. Phase Two could be harder: persuading a financial backer that comedy electronic clothing will be the Next Big Thing. For some reason, they just won’t take the idea seriously…
November 5, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Hahaha, thanks for the laugh!
Julie
November 6, 2012 at 11:30 am
Any time, Julie. Thanks for dropping by…
November 7, 2012 at 12:58 am
Whoo! You’re a man of many talents
Glad to see you’re productive. (???) 
November 7, 2012 at 10:53 am
Thanks, Sandy. This “man of many talents”
has had to use them for doing household paperwork for the past couple of weeks, as well as enjoying a little family time. Writing on my next WiP has been paused while I decide what to write. You’ll be amongst the first to know when I’ve made my mind up.