When at work or in any social situation with women — to avoid upsetting them, accusations of misogyny and potential arrest — men should always do the following:

Stare at the ceiling. Never make eye contact. Never allow your gaze to alight anywhere, especially below the neck, even if she is wearing a skirt up to her backside and shirt open to her crotch. Several million years of evolution is no excuse for even glancing at a woman’s body. Objectification has no biological basis or procreative use. There is no scientific evidence of women objectifying men.

Never speak. Any male expressing any slightly controversial or contradictory opinion is guilty of mansplaining, which as we all know is a form of harassment by an oppressor and therefore misogyny, which will soon be illegal.

Never sit comfortably. Park bench, tube or bus seat, it doesn’t matter. The fact you have sensitive testicles and larger upper-leg muscle mass than most women is not an excuse. Close those knees, crush those nuts and stop manspreading. An additional benefit for white men is a lower sperm count. Play your part in reducing the number of white people, thereby reducing colonialism and oppression of minority wimmin.

Never open a door for a woman. Chivalry is hetero-societal role-enforcement, underlining women’s inferiority and her need of help from a man. It is therefore a tool of the patriarchy. See next point.

At work, always be an ally and help women. This is not chivalry. This is not women needing help from a man. This is men giving up their power and privilege. Therefore, this is not a tool of the patriarchy.

Take a pay cut. If a woman says you are being paid too much, you must do this voluntarily. This is regardless of whether you have more experience, work longer hours, or are of more economic/commercial value to your employer. In fact, if any woman wants your job, to be a true feminist ally, you should step aside. Your success is a continuation of the patriarchy and therefore cannot be allowed.

Never hold on to a position of power. Resign. If you are the boss or in the upper tier of any organisation, you should immediately quit. Openly state in your resignation letter and on social media that you wish to do your part to end male domination in whatever cushy profession you currently occupy. If any women are affected financially by your resignation, they should suck it up for the greater good of The Sisterhood. Note: if you are employed in dirty, dangerous, and/or physical labour, even if you get equivalent pay to a scientist or CEO, there is no need for you to give up your right to support your family, wife, daughters, and dependent female relatives.

Never impregnate a woman. Pregnancy is a tool of the patriarchy and the primary biological weapon used by men against the independence of women.

Never propose marriage to a woman. Matrimony is a tool of patriarchy and a sociological weapon used by men against the independence of women.

Never ask a woman out on a date (1). Dating leads to marriage, which leads to pregnancy. See above.

Never ask a woman out on a date (2). The fact you assume she might be interested is a demonstration of your male entitlement. Propositioning a woman, even asking her out for a coffee, is an expression of male privilege and an oppressive act. Words can lead to uncomfortable feelings and are, therefore, violence and weapons of the patriarchy.

How to date: wear a t-shirt with wording along the lines of: “I am single. As a feminist ally I have no wish to express entitlement to your space or body, and so oppress you. If you are interested in me, then I promise to be respectful, deferential and submissive if you ever deign to notice my servile-self.”

Never make mad, passionate love with wild abandon. (The sort that women never fanaticise about in the millions of romantic novels and films they consume every year, and many actively and consensually engage in.) To have sex that pleasures and excites your partner is to perpetuate the patriarchy and men’s sense of entitlement to women’s bodies. Always make love according to an approved feminist manual, its contents officially confirmed to be compatible with the “Yes means yes” “guidelines”. Proposed legislation states that the only way an independent, confident, sexually-empower woman can express herself is to give you explicit and specific instructions and permissions for every single act at every single stage. For example:

“You may now remove my left sock by the toe-end using your teeth while gently cradling my ankle in both hands. Now, you may…” Follow these optional but shortly-to-be-legal guidelines and ultimate coital pleasure shall be yours.

Never engage in masculine displays of physical prowess or courage. These are male territorial signals, designed to oppress and silence women, excluding them from social spaces. Intersectional feminist theory has demonstrated, unequivocally, that women responding positively to such behaviours are suffering from internalised misogyny and this is wrong and detrimental to the goals of The Sisterhood. Remember, only fat lesbians* (who are at the top of the intersectional progressive stack) have the right to tell women what they do, and don’t, find attractive.

* – not all lesbians are fat. Body-positivity dogma means the descriptor “ugly” cannot be used. Reality is subjective and only feminist interpretations of reality are valid. Remember, despite being coined by a woman, the saying, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” has been co-opted to enforce oppressive hetero-gender and sexual norms. The personal is political. Make sure you find the correct person attractive: an incontinent, obese, paralysed, bi-sexual, vertically-challenged, black trans-woman is who you should be aspiring to.

Never complement a woman. Saying anything that may make a woman feel better about her physical appearance or in any way sexually desirable is sexual harassment because it may upset an Enlightened Higher Being. Whether some women want a confident, articulate male to make an approach is irrelevant. Any protests by a woman that she prefers traditional male characteristics like assertiveness, protectiveness, or a willingness to outwardly demonstrate their attraction to said woman is simply more internalised misogyny; i.e. she is brainwashed by the patriarchy. It is the duty of these women to allow feminists to educate them. Feminists worldwide will be lobbying the UN shortly for establishment of Women’s Empowerment Camps. Attendance will be compulsory.

Never apply for university. Intelligent, educated men are perpetuators of the patriarchy. Their use of facts, science and statistics to destroy feminist narratives cannot be permitted. Despite recent gains, 40% of new university student admissions in the UK are still male. There remains much to do.

Never, ever, apply to study a STEM subject. Millions of courageous women — who are more than equal to any man — are waiting for men to vacate these fraternal academic spaces because they fear them. Female applicants, who currently choose Gender and Women’s Studies, will flood into science, engineering, maths and tech when men no longer block their way.

Never engage in science, or use resources, that will benefit men. We must continue to spend many times more on breast cancer research than prostate. We must continue to fund many more women’s shelters than men’s. Male bleating about such issues is a distraction from societal and political pursuit of our Matriarchal Utopia.

Never contest a divorce settlement. As a woman, your previous spouse will have spent untold hours of unpaid labour listening to your inconsequential problems, cooking, cleaning and organising your sorry-ass. You inflicted your maleness upon her. You claimed her inner-Goddess. You should have released her years ago. Everything you are, and own, is now rightfully hers.

Finally, fight for legalisation of male euthanasia. Biological science is rapidly advancing. Soon male testes will be able to be removed just after puberty and stored on ice, long-term, to be used whenever a woman chooses to procreate. Compulsory male euthanasia of those 13 and above will eliminate the role of the father from society and so eradicate toxic masculinity. The emancipation of billions of long-suffering women will finally be complete.

You have your orders. Now comply.

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